OneMetal

OneMetal.com film REVIEW: Big Tits Zombie (aka Kyonyu Dragon, aka Zombie vs Strippers 5)

Big Tits Zombie (aka Kyonyu Dragon, aka Zombie vs Strippers 5)

Recently having returned to Japan from a stint in Mexico, exotic dancer Rena Jodo (Japan AV idol Sora Aoi) is out of cash and out of luck. So when a call comes from her duplicitous former manager, she is no position to turn it down. And what a position it turns out to be…

Exiled to the middle of nowhere, the run-down “Paradise” hot springs resort is her home for the foreseeable future. Rena’s new in-fighting stripping associates include money mad Pinay-Japanese Dana (Nagoya-jo Pindom model Io Aikawa), malevolent gothic girl Maria (gravure idol Mari Sakurai), statuesque Ginko (Aoi’s fellow AV idol Risa Kasumi) and mature mentor Nene (Tamayo) who can’t keep their hands off each other in an effort to stave off the boredom from a lack of customers.

Hmmm, this can't bode well....

However, after discovering a hidden door in their dressing room, the foxy five venture down into the dark depths of the club’s hitherto blocked-off basement. Here beckons a portentously dusty disused tome and before Rena can remonstrate with “don’t you dare read such a book aloud just in case you arouse the undead”, Maria utters the odd word from the archaic language scribed within. No sooner said than the dead duly rise up in an effort to munch through mankind, starting with the quintet of amply-endowed dancing deities…

Big Tits Zombie makes no bones about what it is. It’s a skeletally-plotted excuse for bosoms to be bared, frilly/fluorescent undergarments to be flouted and zombies (of the thankfully slow-moving variety) to be sliced and diced in as many guffawingly gruesome methods as inhumanely possible: in this case “J-horror” definitely denotes “jiggle-horror”.

Japanese stereotypes get up from the graveyard to wreak their revenge...

Based on Rei Mikamoto’s infamous manga “Kyonyu Dragon”, perhaps this is no surprise. Nor should it be when the leap from scribbled page to silver screen is handled by writer/director Takao Nanako, the helmer of V-cinema schlock Sexual Parasite: Killer Pussy, ExorSister and Sumo Vixens. Indeed, Big Tits Zombie is rife with references to Nanako’s own work, which somewhat short-sightedly require viewing forehand for the jokes to function, the most fruitful and funny riffs stemming from Kei Mizutani’s stellar turn in Sumo Vixens (from which Sora Aoi seems to derive plenty in her performance).

Ah yes, the performers. They certainly haven’t been chosen for their acting chops. Sora Aoi simultaneously brushes off her previous roles in bunk horror like Erotic Ghost: Siren, the really rather intriguing sexual power-play drama Tsumugi and a criminally small cameo in the critically-lauded straight drama Memories Of Matsuko to go full throttle with the hack n’ slash chainsaw action. Mystifyingly made-up in a psuedo Bruce Lee outfit circa Game Of Death for most of the film, Sora Aoi nonetheless despatches the dead and undead with aplomb while seemingly in a permanent state of perky arousal in the entire film.

Yes, she's like this throughout the whole film...

Although Sora Aoi gets a great deal of mileage out of her disarmingly gravel-voiced delivery, small stature and oversized assets (don’t do a Google search on her with “SafeSearch Off” while at work or with children in the room, seriously), there’s no question that she carries the film as a genuinely engrossing heroine. In a rare show of screenwriting maturity she’s a fatally-flawed character who has only herself to blame for the apocalyptic advance of undead which the world is now forced to face.

Mari Sakurai is similarly good value as the teeth-gnashingly sociopathic gothic Lolita, vamping it up to the redhead extreme as the unsuspecting Overlord of all things undeceased. Having previously worked with Takao Nanako on Hop Step Jump there’s clearly a rapport which comes through on screen; she’s simply so inherently “evil” that you can’t help but boo/hiss as appropriate whenever she’s on screen.

By the power of Chupa-Chup, I compel thee!

The rest of the cast, with the exception of scene-stealing Tamayo, aren’t entirely comfortable with this acting lark: Io Aikawa and Risa Kasumi are eminently more at ease when the clothes come off to the tune of zombie limbs being sheared or lopped asunder.

And what of the undead? Well, they shuffle along slowly, can be killed by a single shot to the head and are generally useless at sucking the life out of the living. That said, they just keep on coming and provide a formidable foe for mankind’s stripper saviours. Given the zero-budget of the film’s production (most, if not all, of the money must have gone into the 3D process), it’s always exactly the same 6 or 8 zombies in any given massacre moment. Samurai, geisha, nurse, ninja, salaryman (office worker), Yakuza (gangster); all the Japanese stereotypes (sexual or not) are represented in several melee scenes of murderous madness.

Sora Aoi marvels at the might of red sake while the midget gang lord looks on...

The criminal underworld gets the sharp end of the katana sword too, albeit with an unexpected twist; there are yukata-clad powerlifters playing ping-pong, the boss is a midget resembling one of the wizened experimental kids from the manga Akira and the gang eschew violence in favour of slurping sushi over the unclothed outline of the prostrate form of a vanquished competitor in naked female sumo wrestling (Risa Kasumi, in this case). No guesses from where they secure their seafood-smelling sauce…

In one of the film’s frequent comedic highpoints, the Japanese staple of sushi indeed re-acquires a post-mortem life of its own in order to attack the land of the living; it’s a delicious plot device that begs the question why zombie movies through the ages have sequestered themselves to solely human subjects.

Pole dancers have to use all the tools of their trade to keep the hordes at bay...

And the endearing elements of Big Tits Zombie don’t end there. The effects are deliberately low-rent to accentuate the Z-grade movie feel: wires in the puppetry sequences can clearly be seen, the CGI blood sprays with all the wild abandon of a Sodastream syrup and the zombies’ intestinal ingestion is obviously mini hotdogs covered in ketchup.

If you’ve signed up to Big Tits Zombie expecting anything else than boob manipulation and body munching respectively then you’re going to go home seriously disappointed. It’s a film that revels in all its ribaldry and awful origins, making absolutely no apologies for that. That said, to await Onechanbara levels of nudity or action would undoubtedly be in error as the unveiling of anatomy or unleashing of onscreen violence is sporadic at most. The 3D isn’t utilised to its full extent although when it does kick in, it just adds to the kitsch fun.

Bottom Line

Mad, bad and endlessly enjoyable. Check your brain (and other body parts) at the door for the most shamelessly silly film of the year.

2.5/5 - Not bad, worth a look.

Find this article interesting?
Please be awesome and leave a comment. We live for comments :)